Weddings crack me up. The traditions. The formalities. The ability of wedding party members to entirely make themselves look completely unrecognizable for a day. Seriously. I get a lot of laughs out of them. And, I get a lot of lessons in etiquette.
The wedding reception I attended this past Saturday did not fail me. The hall was packed. Alcohol (a Putnam County staple) was flowing freely, by the pitcher no less. Spirits were high. As was satiety. Boyfriend and I were standing in line for the buffet-style dinner, when a woman sidled up next to me.
Woman: WOW. You are the tallest woman I have ever seen. (She leans in closer to me.) WOW! Seriously. You are tall. You have to be at least six feet tall. Are you six feet tall?
Me: Yes. At least.
Woman: Wow. Honey! (She turns and yells across the hall.) Honey! Come here and look at this tall beautiful woman. Isn’t she tall?!
Husband: Honey, leave the poor, young woman alone.
Woman: Wow. (She turns back to me.) You must have a REALLY tough time finding men to date.
Me (glancing at Boyfriend who is standing right next to me): Well, I wouldn’t say I have any problems finding a date.
Woman: Oh! You’re together?! Wow. That’s great! Honey (she says to Boyfriend), you best snatch her right up. She’s so young. You’re so young (she turns and says to me). How young are you? In your 20s?
Me: Uh, yes, in my 20s.
Woman: Wow. Oh, to be young again. (She turns to Boyfriend.) You are not as young.
Boyfriend (laughs): Uh, no, not quite.
Woman (to Boyfriend): Well, you best snatch her right up. She’s so beautiful and young. Oh to be young again. I’m not young. I’m 35. I just got remarried three months ago. To my husband. He’s great. So (she says to Boyfriend), you aren’t as young. Have you been married? Kids?
Boyfriend: No to both.
Woman (to me): OH HONEY! YOU BETTER SNATCH HIM UP. No kids?! No divorce?! Why, he’s already had the chance to sow his wild oats everywhere. Snatch him up!
Me (pondering if she really just said “sow his wild oats”): Thank you for the advice.
Woman: I just can’t get over how tall you are.
Me: Ah, I’ve noticed.
Woman: I want to be tall. But I’m not.
Mercilessly, this conversation drug on for the entire time we were standing in line, waiting patiently, hoping she’d forget she was standing in line waiting for food and wonder elsewhere. Her attention span would wonder for a few moments and then, BAM!, it was right back.
Woman: Oh, to be tall. I’m not tall.
Woman: What do you do for a living?
Me: I work in public relations.
Woman: Oh, that’s great. I teach first graders! Have for 14 years.
Me: Oh, that’s great.
Woman: No, I hate it.
Woman: Wow, you’re tall! I want to be tall!
The line could NOT move fast enough that evening. But, we made it. And lived to chuckle about it.
There’s are lessons for us all here. (1) Sometimes the first thing that pops into our heads should maybe stay in our heads. (2) Alcohol and manners rarely mix. (3) Ever.