1.) I really like to be right,
2.) I’m really, really bad at verbalizing my feelings, and
3.) Windshield wipers for a 2008 Pontiac G6 are REALLY, REALLY hard to come by.
No. 3 has the easiest to fix. Or, so you would think. But, it’s not all that easy because, seriously, have you ever tried to find wipers for a 2008 Pontiac G6? Don’t even try. They’re not available. Anywhere. Except through the manufacturer. Or the super, sweet men at Kirtland’s Auto.
Nos. 1 and 2. Well. Uh. Yeah. They’re character flaws, plain and simple. No. 1 is livable and not so terrible to deal with. When you’re comparing it to No. 2 that is.
What’s so cool about needing to be right? It’s not like I get a prize. Or a cookie. Being wrong and being OK with being wrong just shows that I’m capable of learning from another person. Maybe more willing than capable. I don’t want to not be able to learn from someone. Or come off as uncooperative or stubborn. And does it really matter if I’m certain that exact woman was wearing that exact outfit four weeks ago when I last saw her in that same exact place? No, it doesn’t matter. People died in Mumbai. Small children are starving in Somalia. Young women are being raped in Darfur. Those things matter.
It probably wasn’t that same woman anyway.
No. 2 is the worst sort of flaw. Because there’s nothing more difficult when it comes to relating to another person than when you are horrible at expressing your deepest thoughts and feelings. I don’t mean “I like ice cream” or “Yes, I think you should wear a different pair of jeans with that shirt” deep thoughts. I mean the “this is how I feel when you say that to me” and “I like it when you do this, but not this” deep thoughts.
That’s right. The thoughts that make people able to relate and relationships work. I’m not very good at expressing them. Verbally. And, it’s especially frustrating for the people I’m relating to.
I’ve long been rejecting the possible notion that I have this insatiable need to say what I’m pretty certain someone else would like to hear me say versus just speaking my mind. Along with a need to please people and an extreme distaste for having others think poorly of me. But, now I’m admitting it. All of it. It’s true. And, I’m working on it. Or them.
Because it’s worth it to the people I’m relating to. And they’re worth it to me.